With much thought and sadness, I have decided to end my happiness project. The beginning of 2020 has not been too kind to me, as it has not for millions of other people out there. I want to be able to give all that I am to this project and to my happiness. But at this present moment in time, during this crazy life that has been flipped upside down, I cannot give my full commitment to this. A lot of my monthly resolutions revolved around friendship, being outside, trying new things etc, all things that I feel I cannot do being in quarantine. If life was perhaps normal I would of been able to give my all to this but alas, I cannot at this time.
As I drove myself, yet again to the hospital last night, I knew I needed to stop this project and spend the rest of the year focusing on 4 things and 4 things only.
- My physical health
- My metal health
- My van
- My business
On Monday I screwed up my sciatica bad and had to go back to the hospital. Yet again, I had to abruptly put Zeke in his bed, prayed that he wouldn’t bark while I was gone and drove myself to the hospital, which thankfully is only 1 minute away. I was in so much pain that I thought I was going to either A. vomit or B. pass out or C. do both. I have never in my entire life experienced this much physical pain ever, it was so bad that once I got to the hospital I couldn’t even sit down. I had to keep my body moving so it didn’t know that there was immense pain coursing through my lower back and legs and also distracting me from more than likely passing out.
I never want to drive myself to the hospital again, or be at a hospital alone again. This is something that is not fun and being alone in some of your scariest moments is the worst kind of pain my heart can feel. Feeling alone in these moments, with pain eradicating my body is something I don’t want to have to experience again. But it did shoe me how strong of a person I am. This time, I didn’t show fear even though I was in so much pain. I knew I would get past this and would come out the other side. I tried to redirect my thinking, something I didn’t do when I was at the hospital in early Feb, which I’m positive was for Covid.
So, In order to keep myself away from damn hospitals and being sick and in pain, I have decided to forgo this Happiness Project and focus on the things that I absolutely have to that will ensure my safety and survival.
My mental health has been at an all time low. Since the end of 2019, now being referred to as, the good ol’ days, my mental health has been slowly declining. I thought I was in a bad position then but 2020 is comin in REAL hot and showed me that I can easily slip deeper and deeper into depression, which I have. My health is up in the air, my income is up in the air, everything seems up in the air right about now and I feel like I am slowly loosing it day by day and I’m absolutely terrified. So I need to put my mental health first, as BEST as I can during all the madness happening in the world.
My physical health surprisingly, yet not surprisingly is also at an all time low. Seeing as I have been in and out of the hospital and doctors office all throughout 2020 so far is showing me big time that I need to work on my physical health. I need my lungs to be strong again, I need my body to be strong again. Things that I would always let slip to the way side due to my depression and lack of motivation to do any sort of physical movement is now showing me ten fold that I need to stat taking care of my body better. This body is the only body I will ever have and I refuse to live in sickness anymore.
My van, the one and only thing that I can see at the end of this scary dark tunnel. This year has made me think extra hard on my future in the van and what that’s going to look like. Focusing on my van is one of the only things getting me by right now. I can taste it, I am so close to the finish line, I cannot wait to be living my dream. I absolutely have to get there and I refuse to not let anything, including Covid, get in that way of that.
My business. I first want to apologize to my business for not giving it the care and attention it truly needs. I have been slacking, putting things off, trying to feel better in my body first, not paying too much mind to this incredible business I have created. Mental health sure is a right bitch she is and she loves to make you put off the most important things in your life, such as your job that is your sole income. I am so proud of everything I have done in my life around photography and and I am DAMN proud of how I have turned my passions into a career that fully supports myself and my life. I am proud. But right now, I need to give back my full attention to my business. This is the one thing that keeps me afloat and when I am doing well in my business, I feel better overall. I know that might sound silly to some people, maybe some corporate workers, but this business is all I have and I GET TO do amazing and powerful and moving work everyday. This is a huge part of me and my life, so when I thrive in work, I thrive as Kendra. Plus, the whole world is going to shreds and I need to think up new ways to bring in an income. #newmareting
This is the point where I was about to write “I’m sorry”. That I was sorry to those of you who looked forward to reading these posts and maybe taking some tips and tricks with you in your own Happiness Project. But… I am not sorry. I have to do what’s best for me right now and what’s best for me is focusing on these four things above for the rest of the year. I hope in 2021 I can come back to this as a stronger and more healthier person ready to take on and tackle more. I know I can if I can devote the time and attention I need to better myself in the most simplest of ways.
Thank you for sticking around. I know this was short, but we’ll give it another try again soon.
Stay safe, stay healthy and stay sane people <3