Alright folxs. Like I said, I’m doing this and you can stick around and read or not. I understand these posts are not revolved around boudoir and beautiful human bodies, but it’s revolved around me and I run this shit here and a lot of how I operate my business is based on who I am, and this is definitely diving into who I am. So it’s up to you, hang around, listen to my world, or stop back by when new bodies are blogged. You control your journey here <3
As many of you know, I struggle with depression and anxiety. At the end of 2019 I read the book, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I decided that I was going to do the same thing Gretchen did and do this project where I dedicate a new set of resolutions every month and blog each month about what I learned and if I do feel happier from doing this. After reading this book and learning about what Gretchen did, what her resolutions were, how she decided to pursue them, what she did when she got stuck and what she learned along the way, gave me the inspiration to do the same. I find that I learn best from just basic learning on my own and having more experience and knowledge as I get older, but I learn a lot from others as well. Hearing others peoples stories, how they do things, what they have learned, gives me a lot of insight into what I think I can do and how I can adapt some of their processes into my own life.
In doing this, I hope that what I learn and share each month can inspire others and possibly help anyone out there who struggles with the same things that I struggle with. If not- then its to keep me accountable because lord knows I need something concrete to keep me accountable.
What a month it has been. The first month of a new year, notoriously a month that is not necessarily my favorite due to how incredibly lazy I get in the beginning of every year. Towards the end of each year I feel life and work get a little crazy. Deadlines are due, it’s the holidays, everyone is having parties, you need to start wrapping up your taxes, last minute photo shoots and lot’s of time spent with friends. The beginning of new years are always very slow for me, but this month was not slow at all. I am so excited that I have decided to start this Happiness Project. This month had some lows and lot’s of highs and taking control of my life and what I choose to do with it, is already proving to be so beneficial for me. Never have I honestly actively tried to take control of life and my happiness. So here’s to putting in the work, the self work, the real hard work.
This month my focus was on my body. “Get your temple in order” was the title for January. I started feeling very disconnected from my body towards the end of 2019 and I wanted to dedicate this month to feeling better and feeling like me in my body. I wanted to improve my eating habits and move my body more to feel stronger and more capable within myself. My main focuses this month were, no fast food (didn’t happen) , do yoga everyday, drink only on Fri & Sat, try and cook more meals/eat at home. Towards the end of 2019 I was basically living off fast food. I did NOT have the mental capacity to make my own food, I couldn’t dedicate the time, I just wanted something hot, ready and fast. My body felt like crap and I felt like crap. By the time January came I was ready to make some changes around my eating because putting food in my body that I knew would be good for my brain and internal parts, did not happen. Although I did not stick fully to the no fast food rule, my fast food habit were a lot better this month than the last few months in 2019. Sadly, cooking just isn’t my thing but it is something that I am still learning and figuring out how to do and what works for me and my needs. I know when I start taking more control of the meals I am eating the better I will be able to feel in my body. I am 99% sure that I should not be eating dairy, but I am not too good with following that rule. If I can control what I eat and eliminate dairy, I know It can help me and my allergies out a lot. (Side note- I have had the worst allergies ever since childhood. Seasonal, animals, plants, grass, dust, cold, mold, watermelons, the list goes on. I once got allergy shots for close to a year and had to stop getting allergy shots, because I was too allergic to the shots. GO FUCKIN FIGURE) In the past when I have eliminated dairy, my allergies have gotten much better. But- cheese.
Aside from getting my allergies and internal body body feeling better, I dedicated this month to also getting back into yoga. By the end of 2019 I had never felt so disconnected to my body. Aside from my eating habits that didn’t support my well being, I also started to have insane pains all over my body. I have had shoulders issues ever since I was young, but this new low back bull shit is something I have developed over the recent years. No joke- when I would bend over to put socks on, it would feel like my low back was being stabbed with a thousand knives. I’m 27 damn years old, I don’t need to feel this way in my body. I will admit, I don’t LOVE working out but I have come to realize that I have to move my body so I don’t feel, quite literally, like I’m 80 years old. With the exception of missing just a few days, sticking to daily yoga has made me feel SO much better. I stuck with doing Yoga by Adrienne on Youtube and thankfully ay the beginning of January she started a 30 day yoga journey called Home. I have loved moving my body this way again and feeling strong in my shoulders, low back and hips. Yoga will definitely be something that I will continue to do throughout this year. Feeling connected to myself in my body is important and I can’t thank yoga for helping me feel strong and proud to be in my body. With every session I get more and more strong and I can feel my body healing itself and bonus, it really helps with my anxiety. I love yoga and I am so happy to be practicing again. I want to now set goals for myself for forms/poses that I want to try and accomplish. Crow pose being one of them, we’ll get there- still need a little more upper body strength.
One thing I wanted to throw in this month and I hope and intend to continue with this through the year, is only drinking on Fri & Sat, excluding a special occasion or if I’m having just a really hard damn day. I found that by the time Fri and Sat rolled around, I didn’t even want to drink at all. If I did, I would have no more than a couple of drinks and doing even that felt great. It was like a little reward for getting through the week with having Sunday being a relaxing day where I got my body and mind right for the upcoming week.
What I not so proud of this month was the amount of weed I smoked. I mean, comparing to three months ago, the amount I am smoking currently, is very good. But- I think I am finally reaching this point in life where I am ready to let it go. I have been smoking daily for close to 6-7 years, I have been thinking about quitting/smoking less for 3 years and the past 6 months, quitting has been something I have thought of almost every time I smoke. This has been a JOURNEY let me tell you. Weed has been such a huge part of my life for so long that it is hard to just say, you know what, I’m done. It’s difficult in a world, especially a state and city, where weed is just commonplace. Most of my friends smoke and like Starbucks, there’s a pot shop on every corner. Its in shows, music and TV-everywhere. And the thing about weed is, it’s not that bad. The things weed can do for people is incredible and these past 7 years, I NEEDED weed. It helped me get through some really hard times in my life. I would smoke to numb how I was feeling every day. I couldn’t sit there and just sit with my depression, it was too painful. So I would smoke. Then when I started my business and woke up with insane anxiety every morning, I would smoke then and then in the afternoon and then in the evening- this lasted for three years or so. Everyday I was high, or what I thought was just leveled. Not on the edge of a severe panic attack, tears or a mental breakdown. Weed helped me a lot over the years and I an thankful for the time we had together, but I think that time is officially coming to a close. With being so on top on my game this month, more so than I have been before, I really noticed that my habits were not beneficial to me at all. So for the month of Feb I’m going to take it easy and stick to being sober for the month of Feb. I know I can commit to that and once we get to March we’ll see how I feel about weed- my hope, that I continue to just not have it in my life.
At the end of the month these realizations of me and my weed usage came to the forefront when I got my PUPPY ZEKE! Having a puppy means that I have so many new responsibilities I must do and me being high while taking care of Zeke, is something I don’t want to be doing. Because he’s basically like new born child and I’m either staring at him and his cuteness or staring at him making sure he doesn’t pee on the carpet. It’s a lot of work and like typical Kendra, I am doing it all on my own. So, I need to be clear headed moving forward. I have a lot of things on the docket that a I need to accomplish soon and this year and now that I have Zeke, I want to make sure that I am being the best dog mom I can and also the best boudoir photographer I can. I want to serve him ad everyone else, so this means NO WEED.
Having Zeke has been weird. I have never felt this joy I have in my heart ever- not even that one time I dated that one guy for 6 months. It weird because it feels foreign to me. Knowing that I have a little buddy at home waiting to just love on me, is a new feeling that I am trying to process this new feeling. This might sound very weird to most people, but for me having this thing about not feeling loved my entire life, this feeling is new and different and I’m trying to tell myself that these new feels I feel are completely fine and normal. I am so excited about my new buddy and the life we are going to have together and all he is about to teach me. This has been months in the making, so I am very glad that I finally have this very important piece in my life that I know will help me continue to grow as a person.
Overall- I am proud of myself this month. Yes I smoked almost every day, sometimes I forgot to do yoga and a couple of times I had a drink or two not on a Fri or Sat and I definitely ate some fast food here and there when I was in a hurry and needed grub. But thats okay. I am not perfect and having these lists of resolutions doesn’t mean that I have to beat myself up for not following them all to a tee. They are there to remind me of what I want to be doing this month and they’re still there to remind me what I need to do when I fall behind. Having these sets of resolutions helped me to not binge everyday, helped me to realize that I need to move my body and put my physical being first, helped me to realize that If I put in the work, I can see a little bit of change day by day. SO I am proud. From who I was at the end of 2019- January 2020 Kendra is by far a different person.
I knew that taking an active stance against my anxiety and depression was going to be a good thing for me. But for the longest time I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the physical and mental energy to try and make things different fro myself and anyone who has debilitating depression and or anxiety knows the deal. “Just be happy, just do the work, just try,” Isn’t in the vocabulary of someone dealing with the stressors of their own mental health. They just don’t coincide. I finally feel like I am in this place in my life where I have reached my breaking point so to speak, and now I finally feel ready to try and take active moves on bettering my mental health. I also feel like I am at my wits end with my weed smoking which is now going to give me so much more energy and time for myself. I can easily say that weed is something I am addicted to and they say you have to reach this point, or this rock bottom, to want to be sober and I have definitely reached that. I’m ready to start making some changes to better myself, my health, my depression, my anxiety and my Zekey Potato.
In doing this and writing out all of my shit every month and what I have learned, which is scary, it’s like my Impossibly Blog all over again, my hope and wish for me blogging about this is to start some conversations here. Do you struggle with similar things I do? What have you learned? Is there any advice or things you want me to know that you think might help me as I continue on my journey of happiness and love? Do you have any personal stories that you want to share or situations that you have gone trough and what you did to get through them? I wanna know! I’m here outpouring myself in the hopes that you can do that same, if you feel comfortable in doing so. I want these blogs the be a place where anyone can come and learn, vent, teach, try and find inspiration and advice that you can take home with you so to speak. This is a safe place where you can express yourself and be you just like I have. So please, let’s have some uncomfortable, but comfortable conversations here. This is a safe place that I have created not only for myself, but for you too.
My hopes are that your 2020 is going great so far and if it’s not, know that thats okay. Sometimes we get stuck and sometimes we get in ruts and if you are experiencing that in the beginning of the year, know that that is fine. Januarys can be hard when everyone is trying to achieve new goals and new habits and new resolutions and new new, so don’t let those get to you if you are feeling down.
Sometimes you just have to ride the wave of emotions when they’re are good and when they are bad. Know the wave will eventually crash and a new you will be waiting on the other side.
Thank you all for continuing to listen to the ever personal stories of my life and existence.
February 14th –
Well, well, well… I’m not too sure if January is now February or February is now January, or if my February has even really begun. As many of you know, I was stuck at the hospital for roughly 5 days. It was not fun at all. I think it’s pretty funny how my resolutions for Jan were about getting my body in order and at the end of Jan, it feels like my whole body just fell apart. But I guess thats just how things work and I knew I needed this wake up call.
On 2/2/2020 I drove myself to the ER after experiencing some very bad respiratory problems. I was triggered that day by being around a lot of animals that normally bother my allergies and breathing. There was basically just a whole list of stuff going on with me that contributed to me being in the hospital. Asthma attack, fever, virus, allergies and anxiety. I was sent home that night and when I woke up the next morning still not being able to breathe, I took myself back to the hospital. This was now the third time I had to drive myself to the hospital completely out of breathe. This is something I hope to never ever experience again. Atop of having a bad asthma attack, triggered allergies and a fever of 101, I was also told I had a small virus and a pretty bad anxiety attack, probably due to the whole not being able to breathe thing, feeling like I was dying thing.
Long story short, I am much better now and still recovering and this was definitely a major low point in my life and I am making drastic changes to my health to insure that this will never happen again, like never smoking again. I knew the time was coming to an end, and it sure went out with a bang. If I also want to keep Zeke, I have to keep myself healthy so I can live in tandem with him. Things just all needed to come to a head in order for me to realize how serious it is that I try and take care of myself. It’s hard to do when fighting depression and anxiety, but I have to put in the work because my life truly and literally depends on it.
For this month I have decided to forgo my initial resolutions and save those for a different month. The month of Feb will now revolve around me taking it fucking easy. If anxiety is huge factor of what landed me in that hospital, I need to REALLY listen to my body and my doctor. This is the first honest time that I have taken off and laid low with life and work in forever. The only other time is when I took 2 weeks off to travel Europe with my mom. I never take a day off ever and I need to start doing so. This month I vow to just chill and take it easy, because clearly my body, soul and mind need it.
I have scheduled appointments to see a psychiatrist and an allergist for anti anxiety meds and possibly seeing if getting allergy shots is something I can handle doing again. For once, I’m taking it easy and not stressing about life which is something I am a pro at. When you are in control of your own life, finances, future, everything- it can get a little stressful. But what they don’t tell you is that, taking down time is a requirement when you do it all yourself. So I’m taking that advice of my fellow friends, family, entrepreneurs and self and taking it easy for the month of Feb. You bet your butt I’ll be back in March with some stories and advice to share, hope you will be back too <3