Possible womxn 7/12 – Verbally abused while pregnant
Brittani- this beautiful womxn is a mother of two-absolutely adorable babies. How can they not be cute coming from her right? Brittani has a wonderful, kind little boy Raul who just finished kindergarten and a brand new baby girl Vivianna, who was born February 2019 Brittani has had two very different pregnancies with both babies. One with a supportive partner (Vivianna’s dad) and one with a not so supportive partner (Raul’s dad.) Being pregnant is one of the most beautiful things in life. The fact that a womxn can house a living being in her belly for close to 10 months is nothing short of miraculous. The creation of life is a beautiful thing and one of the most brave and strongest things a mother can do. When Brittani was pregnant for this first time, she had no support from her partner who also let it be known to her how “ugly” and “disgusting” he thought she was while she was pregnant. At a time where she was to feel nothing but wonderful and beautiful and a damn mama queen, she was made to feel terrible about herself. Mama’s- you are beautiful, you are strong and you are wonder womxn, never forget that.
“I was a ball of anxiety, but you made me feel comfortable and I feel really good about this.” -Brittani
Growing up Brittani said she used to be a tom boy and would always be made fun of from her peers at school. When she was in middle school she thought she would try dressing up more girly and feminine, but was only to be ridiculed even more from the “pretty, mean girls” in school. Blahhh- can we all just agree at this point that middle school was the WORST.
“I dealt with a lot of mean girls in middle school and some of them just don’t grow out of it and they just get even nastier in high school.”- Brittani
“They would make fun of the gap in between my teeth; they would say things about my dimples too- which I never really understood.” -Brittani
I guess that’s the only real thing we can expect from bullies growing up. They will always go for your looks and appearance because they know thats what will hurt people the most. For so many of us, it’s easy to say that those comments from forever ago don’t hurt anymore, but they always still linger in your head and you never forget them. I wish schools were different these days, i hope they are, but I know there are always some kids that just have to ruin the fun and an entire classes self-esteem. Kids- don’t be mean, it’s going to get you nowhere in this life.
“My son’s father made me feel the lowest I have ever felt about myself in my entire life.” -Brittani
When Brittani was pregnant with her son, Raul, she was going through so much emotionally from her… forgive my language… ass hole partner at the time. Never before in their relationship did he ever judge, criticize or make rude remarks about her body. The moment her body started to change, as one’s body does when you’re growing a small human being, the comments started flying around like seagulls at a beach.
Brittani tried to remain intimate at first while she thought how special it was to be creating life with someone she thought she loved. She tried to disregard the rude comments he made to see if they could really work for the sake of their future child.
“He would tell me that I was fat and disgusting while I was pregnant with my son. He would tell me that it was disgusting, I was disgusting and that I was huge and gross.” -Brittani
After Raul was born Brittani hung around for 2-3 more weeks before leaving her son’s father. In that time, she told me he really gave it to her and the comments just became more brutal and more regular even after having given birth to their son.
“He would say, “your skin is loose and saggy, your boobs are saggy, all these stench marks all over your body are disgusting and no one wants to look at that.” -Brittani
“Any self-esteem that I had at that time just went completely away.” -Brittani
I can only imagine how low Brittani must have felt around that time. Now being a single mother who was just berated for her physical appearance for the last 9 months, I can imagine all the shame and hurt she felt. But I also can imagine how much joy that little boy brought her in that time and was reminded of what was most important in life, her son.
“He really destroyed my self-esteem. I was heartbroken and depressed and felt like I wanted to crawl under a rock and never talk to anyone again.” – Brittani
Brittani gained roughly 80-90 pounds from her first son. She never understood why her partner would be so cruel in a time where she needed support and love. She anticipated there may have been some cheating on his part which caused the sudden berating and bullying from him once she got pregnant. She felt unworthy and unloved and knew that her ex was also cheating because her physical appearance was not ‘good enough’ even though she was straight carrying his son.
“While I was pregnant I kept thinking about the fact that I was about to give birth to a little person soon that was going to love me regardless, always and unconditionally, and that they need me and I just have to push through it until they’re here so I can hold and pour all of my love into them.”- Brittani
“He wouldn’t touch my belly at all during my pregnancy to feel him. He would tell me that my belly was nasty and feeling him move was disturbing.” -Brittani
He didn’t seem too excited for being a father in the first place. Brittani told me he never really seemed excited about the baby and questioned immediately if she was going to keep it. She knew she wanted to keep the baby and was obviously so glad that she did. Looking back on it now and looking back on the photos of Raul’s birth, she noticed he was always in the back of the photos on his phone the whole time. Listen, I’m surprised he even showed up for the birth in the first place. She later found out that he was texting his OTHER girlfriend at the time. That’s right. While she was giving birth to his son, he was texting another girl. She tried for a couple of weeks after giving birth to Raul to see if there was any way to save the relationship. Once she saw that he wanted nothing to do with Raul, and wouldn’t even do as little as picking him up and holding him, she knew she was done with him. “I just said fuck that and fuck you!” – Brittani
“My son should see my being loved by somebody and this person is not going to be that person.” -Brittani
I asked Brittani how it was for her to overcome that traumatic relationship she had with her ex and how it is being in a healthier relationship with her current partner, Alec, a friend of mine from high school!
“It took a long time to get over what he did to me.” – Brittani
“With Alec, I know he loves me. He’s flat out amazing. He tells me I’m pretty all the time. I never question what he’s doing. I know through and through that he loves me and that he would never do anything to hurt me. He’s always there; let’s me cry on his shoulder when I need to; asks how I am and what he can do to help me. He’s just an amazing man and why I am so happy today.” -Brittani
Listening to Brittani chat about how her and Alec met was so damn sweet. I had no idea that they had known each other since 5th grade. When you get older, obviously schools change and your group of friends change. She didn’t see him for a few years. They met again at a high school football game. Ohhhh the high school football games… Where goggly eyes are met and little tiny heart loves burst. She said they were both seeing people at the time and didn’t make anything of it. Then life got even more crazy and Alec moved down to Texas right after high school. Brittani- was hurt. She knew she liked him a lot but he needed to start a new life in Texas for himself. So Brittani decided to get with her ex and had Raul.
Long story short- they met and hung out a couple of times after her son was born. Finally, with the timing, stars and heart bursts aligned, they went on a date. “Since then we have been with each other almost every day. We always say it was meant to be. He’s my best friend and my other half and the dumb stuff we do in front of each other makes us love one another even more” -Brittani
Brittani talked about both her pregnancies and how she felt in her body with each baby. She went up to the same number on the scale with both babies and has successfully lost the baby weight and went back down to her original weight. But the second time around with Vivianna it was a lot harder on her body.
“My hips hurt more, my feet hurt more and my back hurt more. The morning sickness lasted almost 7 months with her. It was like clockwork every morning.” -Brittani
“I had to count for an extra 20 minutes every morning just to get up to throw up.” – Brittani
I went to say how terrible that must have been going through that for 7 months. Brittani positively reposed with “it’s worth it!” Which I can only imagine that it is.
The human body is such a beautiful strange thing. With baby number 1, Brittani was in labor for 18 hours and pushed for over 2 hours. With baby 2, Brittani was in labor for 21 hours, but only pushed for 10 minutes, even though Vivianna was bigger than Raul. Womxn’s bodies ladies and gents, are so beautiful yet so strange at the same time.
I asked Brittani what part of her body she was more insecure about. Her reply- the mom pouch. It’s the one part of her body she’s most insecure about but also the one part of her body she loves the most. “It’s a love hate relationship.” -Brittani
“It’s very stubborn and it’s hard for it to really go away, but it is where my babies came from.” -Brittani
“The boobs- they used to be perky. I now like to call them deflated balloons.” -Brittani
She goes on to say that they had been stretched out, filled up and dried out. I then asked her about breast feeding and if she was able to do it, she was not.
“It just didn’t work for me. My body produced milk for about 2 weeks with Raul and at least 6 weeks with Vivianna. It sucks and is really devastating.” -Brittani
“It’s really stressful to pump and not be able to breastfeed. You think you’re doing something wrong and it’s hard to know that you can’t produce what your body is supposed to for your babies.” -Brittani
I asked Brittani how she feels in her body and everything she has been through with also having two babies. She tries to see the positive in her body every day. Like the mom pouch that she loves and hates but always remembers its where her babies came from. She is grateful for that. She tells me that she doesn’t mind her stretch marks, but she’s not a fan of the loose skin.
“Babies love to play with the mom pouch. Raul will sometimes just walk up to me and I’ll feel his hand grab onto my belly and I’ll think, ‘alright, cool beans kid.’” -Brittani
I asked Brittani if she could let the world know, or those who are not parents or mothers themselves, what it’s like to be in your body, to be pregnant, to birth little humans, what would you tell them?
“Being a mom is the hardest thing you will ever do in your entire life; but it is also the most rewarding thing you will do in your entire life, it’s a blessing. My kids are amazing. They teach me things about myself all the time; help me grow; teach me patience and teach me to live in the moment.”-Brittani
“They have brought me back to being a little kid in a way. I now find the humor in things that I wouldn’t before. Having kids is like having little comedians around you all the time.” -Brittani
I then asked her what she would say to all the mothers out there who are struggling with their self-image during pregnancy, or post pregnancy and any thoughts or feelings that come with anything postpartum.
“Don’t expect it to be exactly the same. Expect there to be differences and try to embrace them as much as you can. Anytime you’re feeling a certain way about your body, look at your child and realize that this is the reason why and that it’s the best thing to happen to you. It’s all okay.” -Brittani
Brittani my dear. I have so much love and respect for you. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to make the decision to leave your son’s father, but also how easy that decision must of been too. Like you said, your kids deserve to see you being loved by someone and not broken down by someone. It makes me so happy to hear that you are in a safe, loving and healthy relationship and created another little sweet being of life. I wish nothing but the best for you and your little family and to know that you are in better hands from a choice that you made, is flat out incredible. Keep being the best person you can be for your kids- I know you will.
Ladies and gents- this is what a badass mother looks like.